(no subject)
Jul. 4th, 2025 06:24 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
conuly posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
agonyauntDear Pay Dirt,
I grew up in poverty, where we were always on the edge of eviction. If it wasn’t for school, my siblings and I wouldn’t have eaten. It left a large mark on me. I am much more financially conservative than my husband. I have also been the main breadwinner since we married. We need a cushion before even thinking about kids, it’s really important to me. But my in-laws don’t care!
My sisters-in-law grew up in luxury, graduated with degrees they never used, and married rich. Ever since we got married, they constantly try to pressure us to have kids. When I’ve said we want to be more financially stable, they blow me off and say that “families do it all the time” and that “God will provide.” I have told my mother-in-law and husband how condescending this nonsense is to me. They both said that everyone just wants the “best” for us.
Recently, my sister-in-law started in on me again with her breeding propaganda: How I wasn’t getting any younger (I turned 33 this year); That there “never a perfect time to have a baby;” and how “Divine Providence provides for everyone.” Well I finally lost my temper. I asked her where was God the times I went hungry to give food to my younger siblings? Or how is he providing for starving kids in war zones? She started to cry, so now I am the villain. My in-laws told my husband I need therapy. My reply is that maybe my actual life experience and personhood is worth a drop of empathy, and they should stop treating me like I was a sow at market. How can I get them to realize that not everyone is rich like they are and that some of us do need to save and plan for kids?
—Not Breeding Anytime Soon
( Read more... )
I grew up in poverty, where we were always on the edge of eviction. If it wasn’t for school, my siblings and I wouldn’t have eaten. It left a large mark on me. I am much more financially conservative than my husband. I have also been the main breadwinner since we married. We need a cushion before even thinking about kids, it’s really important to me. But my in-laws don’t care!
My sisters-in-law grew up in luxury, graduated with degrees they never used, and married rich. Ever since we got married, they constantly try to pressure us to have kids. When I’ve said we want to be more financially stable, they blow me off and say that “families do it all the time” and that “God will provide.” I have told my mother-in-law and husband how condescending this nonsense is to me. They both said that everyone just wants the “best” for us.
Recently, my sister-in-law started in on me again with her breeding propaganda: How I wasn’t getting any younger (I turned 33 this year); That there “never a perfect time to have a baby;” and how “Divine Providence provides for everyone.” Well I finally lost my temper. I asked her where was God the times I went hungry to give food to my younger siblings? Or how is he providing for starving kids in war zones? She started to cry, so now I am the villain. My in-laws told my husband I need therapy. My reply is that maybe my actual life experience and personhood is worth a drop of empathy, and they should stop treating me like I was a sow at market. How can I get them to realize that not everyone is rich like they are and that some of us do need to save and plan for kids?
—Not Breeding Anytime Soon
( Read more... )
(no subject)
Jul. 2nd, 2025 11:38 pmconuly posting in agonyauntDear Care and Feeding,
Our house sits on a heavily wooded hill, and there isn’t much in terms of street lights—and no sidewalks. Though there are only a few houses on our bend of the road, we get people speeding through. We have new neighbors. The mother’s behavior is going to end in tragedy.
The neighbors have several very small children. The mom, for some unholy reason, thinks nothing of letting them bike in the street. She lets her babies ride around well ahead of her as she strolls leisurely several yards behind. I wouldn’t have believed it if I hadn’t seen it myself.
My husband has already had a close call with one of the kids. He was backing out and the toddler zoomed right behind the bumper. Luckily, my husband was paying attention and was fast to put his foot on the brake. Even going as slow as he was, just a few miles per hour, it would have been a tragedy if he hadn’t been alert.
The mother’s reaction was to lay into my husband for not being careful enough! The kicker is that she said her kids have a right to play in the street. (There is a park five blocks away, but that is too far for her to go, apparently.) My husband said it was a bad conversation.
What do we do here? It would haunt me if one of these kids got hit because their mother was too lazy to care.
—Blind Corner
( Read more... )
Our house sits on a heavily wooded hill, and there isn’t much in terms of street lights—and no sidewalks. Though there are only a few houses on our bend of the road, we get people speeding through. We have new neighbors. The mother’s behavior is going to end in tragedy.
The neighbors have several very small children. The mom, for some unholy reason, thinks nothing of letting them bike in the street. She lets her babies ride around well ahead of her as she strolls leisurely several yards behind. I wouldn’t have believed it if I hadn’t seen it myself.
My husband has already had a close call with one of the kids. He was backing out and the toddler zoomed right behind the bumper. Luckily, my husband was paying attention and was fast to put his foot on the brake. Even going as slow as he was, just a few miles per hour, it would have been a tragedy if he hadn’t been alert.
The mother’s reaction was to lay into my husband for not being careful enough! The kicker is that she said her kids have a right to play in the street. (There is a park five blocks away, but that is too far for her to go, apparently.) My husband said it was a bad conversation.
What do we do here? It would haunt me if one of these kids got hit because their mother was too lazy to care.
—Blind Corner
( Read more... )
Ask A Manager: refusing to work for a customer for moral reasons,
Jul. 1st, 2025 11:38 amminoanmiss posting in agonyaunt[Be warned, the the main discussion of the post is s about #3, a letter about a coworker with gastric issues. At least people are being pretty good about labeling their responses. Beyond the ... details... it is fast descending into a fight between proponents and opponents of ableism. Thhs is letter #1] about the ethics of refusing service.( Read more... )
Rebuilding journal search again
Jun. 30th, 2025 03:18 pmalierak posting in ![[site community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/comm_staff.png){kind=small}
dw_maintenanceWe're having to rebuild the search server again (previously, previously). It will take a few days to reindex all the content.
Meanwhile search services should be running, but probably returning no results or incomplete results for most queries.
Meanwhile search services should be running, but probably returning no results or incomplete results for most queries.
The opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference
Jun. 28th, 2025 01:44 pmconuly posting in agonyauntDear Annie: I have always felt like the odd one out in my family. I love them deeply, but I cannot ignore the quiet, persistent feeling that I do not quite belong. My two younger brothers, "Tom" and "Michael," are close with each other and with our parents, especially our mom. They talk every day, go on trips together and always seem to be in sync.
I, on the other hand, have always felt different. I was more sensitive, more artistic and more emotional growing up. While they were into sports and fixing things with Dad, I was reading, journaling or off by myself. I was teased for being "too dramatic" or "too much," and I learned early on to keep my feelings to myself.
Now that we are adults, not much has changed. Family group chats often go on without me. I find out about birthdays or get-togethers after the fact. When I try to bring it up gently, I get told I'm imagining things or taking things too personally. My mom says she loves me just as much, but I still feel like I'm standing on the outside looking in.
I want to be part of the family, not just in name but in heart. I want to feel seen, heard and valued -- not like the extra piece that doesn't quite fit. Is there anything I can do to shift this dynamic, or is it time to accept that things may never change? -- Outside in My Family
( Annie's advice is better than I would've hoped for )
I, on the other hand, have always felt different. I was more sensitive, more artistic and more emotional growing up. While they were into sports and fixing things with Dad, I was reading, journaling or off by myself. I was teased for being "too dramatic" or "too much," and I learned early on to keep my feelings to myself.
Now that we are adults, not much has changed. Family group chats often go on without me. I find out about birthdays or get-togethers after the fact. When I try to bring it up gently, I get told I'm imagining things or taking things too personally. My mom says she loves me just as much, but I still feel like I'm standing on the outside looking in.
I want to be part of the family, not just in name but in heart. I want to feel seen, heard and valued -- not like the extra piece that doesn't quite fit. Is there anything I can do to shift this dynamic, or is it time to accept that things may never change? -- Outside in My Family
( Annie's advice is better than I would've hoped for )
Gosh, I wonder why these adult kids don't want their overbearing parents in their lives...!
Jun. 28th, 2025 04:42 amconuly posting in agonyaunt1. DEAR ABBY: My son and daughter-in-law had their first child three months ago. This was the first grandchild on both sides. Her mother stayed with her for two weeks after the cesarean birth. I have no issues with that.
My issue is, my son told me I needed to leave when they and the baby came home from the hospital. Mind you, I live 6 1/2 hours away. I fought him to get at least three days when they got home. Then he said I needed to leave, but he never told his father-in-law to leave. Also, on the days I did stay, they asked me to get a motel while her parents stayed with them. I only got to go over during the day.
When I told my son my feelings were hurt, he said I was being a drama queen. I did respect everything they asked. I just want to know if I was wrong for sharing my feelings or should I have remained quiet. It has caused friction between us now. -- SECOND-CLASS IN TENNESSEE
( Read more... )
*********
2. DEAR ABBY: My 19-year-old son, who is on the spectrum but high-functioning, has left home. He's legally an adult but wouldn't allow me to teach him normal survival skills, such as balancing a checkbook, paying with a debit card, etc. He knows very little about the world; he learns from his online friends.
It has been four months, and he has now changed his phone number and won't call, email or text. He moved across the country to live with an online friend. I'm very concerned about him. What should I do? I don't email him often, but when I do, I just tell him I love him, and I never say anything negative. -- LOST IN CALIFORNIA
( Read more... )
My issue is, my son told me I needed to leave when they and the baby came home from the hospital. Mind you, I live 6 1/2 hours away. I fought him to get at least three days when they got home. Then he said I needed to leave, but he never told his father-in-law to leave. Also, on the days I did stay, they asked me to get a motel while her parents stayed with them. I only got to go over during the day.
When I told my son my feelings were hurt, he said I was being a drama queen. I did respect everything they asked. I just want to know if I was wrong for sharing my feelings or should I have remained quiet. It has caused friction between us now. -- SECOND-CLASS IN TENNESSEE
( Read more... )
2. DEAR ABBY: My 19-year-old son, who is on the spectrum but high-functioning, has left home. He's legally an adult but wouldn't allow me to teach him normal survival skills, such as balancing a checkbook, paying with a debit card, etc. He knows very little about the world; he learns from his online friends.
It has been four months, and he has now changed his phone number and won't call, email or text. He moved across the country to live with an online friend. I'm very concerned about him. What should I do? I don't email him often, but when I do, I just tell him I love him, and I never say anything negative. -- LOST IN CALIFORNIA
( Read more... )
(no subject)
Jun. 28th, 2025 03:28 amconuly posting in agonyauntDear Care and Feeding,
I just learned my son has been doing something truly vile.
The warmer weather has been back in our area for a little over a month now. Many of our friends and relatives have swimming pools (we do, too). Last weekend, we were at my sister’s place and had been in the pool for a good three hours when it came time to leave. Before we went home, I asked my 7-year-old son, “Noah” if he needed to use the restroom, and he said, “No.”
On the drive back home, I joked that Noah must have a bladder of steel since he’d had no fewer than three iced teas while he was in the pool! Noah replied that no, he just urinated when he was in the pool, so he didn’t have to get out and use the bathroom. I was horrified and asked if this was something he had done before. He said, “All the time.”
I laid down the law with him. I made clear that this was never to happen again. I explained how harmful and disrespectful it was to everyone in the water around him and that it throws the pool chemicals out of balance. Noah agreed not to do it again, but I’m not sure I completely trust him. I got the sense he didn’t seem to think he did anything wrong. What can I do to make sure he keeps his word?
—Parent of a Pool Pisser
( Read more... )
I just learned my son has been doing something truly vile.
The warmer weather has been back in our area for a little over a month now. Many of our friends and relatives have swimming pools (we do, too). Last weekend, we were at my sister’s place and had been in the pool for a good three hours when it came time to leave. Before we went home, I asked my 7-year-old son, “Noah” if he needed to use the restroom, and he said, “No.”
On the drive back home, I joked that Noah must have a bladder of steel since he’d had no fewer than three iced teas while he was in the pool! Noah replied that no, he just urinated when he was in the pool, so he didn’t have to get out and use the bathroom. I was horrified and asked if this was something he had done before. He said, “All the time.”
I laid down the law with him. I made clear that this was never to happen again. I explained how harmful and disrespectful it was to everyone in the water around him and that it throws the pool chemicals out of balance. Noah agreed not to do it again, but I’m not sure I completely trust him. I got the sense he didn’t seem to think he did anything wrong. What can I do to make sure he keeps his word?
—Parent of a Pool Pisser
( Read more... )
(no subject)
Jun. 24th, 2025 09:40 amconuly posting in agonyauntDear Carolyn: Self-admitted crabby old broad here. My newish next-door neighbors are 24/7 noise. While the apartment is a studio, I can hear at least two adults and two children — one infant, one toddler.
The kids are up at all hours — either screaming in delight and running around or wailing in misery. The adults yell all the time. Movies, TV and music all play at incredible volume, and now a dog was added to the mix. It howls and cries whenever they leave it alone.
I don’t want to be That Person, but I’m tired of asking them, at 1 a.m., to turn down the TV, music, etc. Do I report them to the condo board? They are tenants. I’m hesitant, as I worry this studio may be the only space they can afford, but also frustrated by the noise.
— Crabby Old Broad
( Read more... )
The kids are up at all hours — either screaming in delight and running around or wailing in misery. The adults yell all the time. Movies, TV and music all play at incredible volume, and now a dog was added to the mix. It howls and cries whenever they leave it alone.
I don’t want to be That Person, but I’m tired of asking them, at 1 a.m., to turn down the TV, music, etc. Do I report them to the condo board? They are tenants. I’m hesitant, as I worry this studio may be the only space they can afford, but also frustrated by the noise.
— Crabby Old Broad
( Read more... )
(no subject)
Jun. 24th, 2025 09:15 amconuly posting in agonyauntDear Care and Feeding,
My husband and I have a 7-year-old daughter, “Jade,” who my mother-in-law, “Pam,” is in the habit of buying clothes for without consulting us. These are always girly-girl things—mostly dresses, lots of pink—and Jade is absolutely not a girly-girl. She refuses to wear them, and we end up donating them.
The trouble is that Pam takes offense that she never sees Jade wearing “what I worked so hard to pick out” and has even gone so far as to guilt her: “Don’t you like what Nanna gave you?” I have tried explaining to my MIL that while we appreciate her generosity, Jade simply isn’t into those types of things, but she refuses to accept it and thinks that our daughter will come to like them “once she matures.” My husband says we should just carry on as we have and let her waste her money if she wants. Pam has four boys, so he thinks that’s where this is coming from (Jade is her only granddaughter so far). Is that the right approach?
—Dress Distress
( Read more... )
My husband and I have a 7-year-old daughter, “Jade,” who my mother-in-law, “Pam,” is in the habit of buying clothes for without consulting us. These are always girly-girl things—mostly dresses, lots of pink—and Jade is absolutely not a girly-girl. She refuses to wear them, and we end up donating them.
The trouble is that Pam takes offense that she never sees Jade wearing “what I worked so hard to pick out” and has even gone so far as to guilt her: “Don’t you like what Nanna gave you?” I have tried explaining to my MIL that while we appreciate her generosity, Jade simply isn’t into those types of things, but she refuses to accept it and thinks that our daughter will come to like them “once she matures.” My husband says we should just carry on as we have and let her waste her money if she wants. Pam has four boys, so he thinks that’s where this is coming from (Jade is her only granddaughter so far). Is that the right approach?
—Dress Distress
( Read more... )
Gimme a quilt!
Jun. 23rd, 2025 12:45 pmysobel posting in agonyauntDear Eric: My sister-in-law made quilts for two of her nieces. They unwrapped them to oohs, aahs and applause on Christmas Eve at my house. My daughter did not receive a gift. I sent a polite email to sister-in-law explaining that my daughter was disappointed. I received a snail mail reply that included a gift certificate and a note. Sister-in-law wrote that I was a bully and stated that she would never set foot in my house again. She hasn’t for several years. What should I do?
— Stitchy Situation
Situation: Your sister-in-law’s reaction was a bit extreme, all things considered (or at least all things detailed in your letter). This suggests to me that maybe there’s something else under it for her, whether it’s other issues she has with your relationship or a sensitivity around the particular gift. Or maybe her feelings were hurt by your email, even though it was polite.
The best way to sort it all out is by asking. It’s been years and she hasn’t come back, so I’m curious what your relationship is like outside of visits. Has this escalated to grudge territory? Does she speak to you at all? If she doesn’t, you may have to make a bigger gesture in order to reset things. Telling her, “I don’t like what happened between us” and “I’m sorry for my part” could help lay a foundation for reconciliation.
Try, if you can, not to let the conversation get too caught up in what happened years ago, though. The gift card, the email, et cetera. All the details can become places where you both get stuck relitigating and rehashing. Instead, focus on the objective of the conversation — you want to re-establish contact. It will also help to have a concrete goal, as well as an emotional one. Perhaps something like extending an invitation for her to come for lunch.
If she’s not receptive to a phone call or face-to-face conversation, an email or letter will work, but a spoken conversation is vastly more effective.
— Stitchy Situation
Situation: Your sister-in-law’s reaction was a bit extreme, all things considered (or at least all things detailed in your letter). This suggests to me that maybe there’s something else under it for her, whether it’s other issues she has with your relationship or a sensitivity around the particular gift. Or maybe her feelings were hurt by your email, even though it was polite.
The best way to sort it all out is by asking. It’s been years and she hasn’t come back, so I’m curious what your relationship is like outside of visits. Has this escalated to grudge territory? Does she speak to you at all? If she doesn’t, you may have to make a bigger gesture in order to reset things. Telling her, “I don’t like what happened between us” and “I’m sorry for my part” could help lay a foundation for reconciliation.
Try, if you can, not to let the conversation get too caught up in what happened years ago, though. The gift card, the email, et cetera. All the details can become places where you both get stuck relitigating and rehashing. Instead, focus on the objective of the conversation — you want to re-establish contact. It will also help to have a concrete goal, as well as an emotional one. Perhaps something like extending an invitation for her to come for lunch.
If she’s not receptive to a phone call or face-to-face conversation, an email or letter will work, but a spoken conversation is vastly more effective.