Trying to read Dogs of War

Jul. 12th, 2025 01:52 pm
conuly: (Default)
[personal profile] conuly
Adrian Tchaikovsky is amazingly hit-or-miss for me, but this looks like it's coming up "hit". The sapient arthropods are a swarm of bees. If there are any spiders, I haven't met them yet!

More for the letter than the answer

Jul. 10th, 2025 12:45 pm
ysobel: (fail)
[personal profile] ysobel posting in [community profile] agonyaunt
Dear Eric: I am 40 and physically disabled. I need a powered wheelchair to get around both outside and inside my apartment. Recently, my tires were popped by some broken glass from a bottle thrown out of a passing car onto the sidewalk. It has been a week since I have been able to use my wheelchair, and I have another 20 days before my new tires arrive.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to be infuriated that someone’s litter caused me to spend $200 on replacement tires.

My caregiver disagrees. He says that it’s my fault for continuing and not turning around. He also said that I am overreacting, when the most I have done is complain a little bit for maybe an hour total and make a joking “whoever threw the bottle on the sidewalk owes me $200” comment once.

Am I being too sensitive about this? I think being upset about having to spend $200 that I don’t have to replace something necessary for my continued function in and outside of my apartment due to litter is understandable, but I would like to ask for your thoughts on the matter to be sure.

— Tire’d


Tire’d: Let me get this straight. Your caregiver, who understands the challenges you face navigating a world that is often not accommodating, thinks that you don’t have the right to be peeved about this? Litter, particularly broken glass, is a problem for everyone and any one of us could and should be upset about having to navigate a sidewalk strewn with jagged pieces, even if it didn’t cost us $200 or a temporary restriction in mobility.

What happened wasn’t fair and it had a greater impact on you than it would on someone who could just step to the side or crunch the glass under a boot. Your caregiver needs to acknowledge that some things in the world affect you differently. This is what empathy is. One doesn’t need firsthand experience to be empathetic, but in this case he has to be able to see how hard this one battle has made your life.

I hope that this is an isolated incident in your relationship and he’s able to be supportive in other ways. Because care is about more than physical assistance. It’s also about being willing to say, “I see you. I hear you. What you’re feeling is valid.”

(no subject)

Jul. 9th, 2025 05:07 pm
ysobel: A man wielding a kitchen knife and making an adorable yelling face (rage)
[personal profile] ysobel posting in [community profile] agonyaunt
Dear Miss Manners: I prepared some hand-dipped chocolate goodies and delivered them to a couple of ladies in my neighborhood. A few days later, one of the ladies called me to tell me she was diabetic and couldn’t eat them.

I was sad that “the thought that counts” must not come into play anymore. I felt her phone call was rude and unnecessary.

Am I being petty, or was she being rude? It will make me think twice next time I try to be thoughtful. This friend certainly won’t see goodies from me again.


Then you will not want to hear that this lady spent the intervening time fuming over the thoughtlessness displayed in putting her health at risk — as if, instead of trying to brighten her day, you had attempted to force-feed her.

Miss Manners recommends saying, “I’m sorry to hear that. Thanks for letting me know” — and then tossing the conversation in the memory dustbin and, as was your plan, not repeating the gesture. This is also an approximation of what Miss Manners would have counseled the lady with diabetes, had she been asked.
conuly: (Default)
[personal profile] conuly
"Why work here?"

"Weekly pay!"

Yup, that's why I would like to apply for any and all jobs!

(On a side note, A has been sending me a lot of job links today. I'm a bit inundated, but I somehow don't think that "Great, please don't send them to me, just fill them out with my resume for me" is going to go over very well.)

***************


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Got a callback

Jul. 9th, 2025 11:57 am
conuly: (Default)
[personal profile] conuly
Asked where I lived, was concerned that the answer is "Staten Island". FFS, it's not Siberia!

I need to start telling people I'm moving in with a friend in Tribeca. Just straight up lie.

It's a petty grievance, but

Jul. 9th, 2025 08:28 am
anghraine: kirk and spock stare at each other in a turbolift on the enterprise; their shadows projected on the wall behind them are nearly touching (kirk/spock [turbolift])
[personal profile] anghraine
To continue my periodic Tumblr TOS!K/S fandom pet peeves: I keep periodically running into comments on gifs or meta wrt Kirk and Spock's unhinged mutual jealousy of each other's love interests (or just. interests) that go something to the effect of: "well I like a Kirk and Spock who are a healthy, open-minded poly couple who don't get jealous at all." Every time, I can't help thinking, "Okay, so you don't actually like Kirk and Spock, then."

I mean, it's possible to like most of a character and headcanon away some specific detail that you think doesn't work or is OOC in the wider context of something that long and complicated (me with "Elaan of Troyius"; forcing Taming of the Shrew onto the TOS cast is a terrible and indeed OOC idea to begin with, but it simultaneously manages to be racist towards Elaan while shrugging off her drugging the previously repulsed Kirk into sex, and unsurprisingly shares a writer with the ragingly antisemitic "Patterns of Force"). But you have to ignore such a major component of their dynamic and characterizations to deny their jealousy wrt each other that this seems like ... not an offensive misreading, really, and there are others that bother me more on that level, but few strike me as so absolutely wrong. Every time I see it, I wonder if the person has even seen the show, at least at all recently, because it's just ... it's not even that it's baseless as an interpretation, it's actively contradicted so flagrantly, so often, that it seems completely disengaged from the show.

(Kirk's heartfelt, melancholy description of love is extremely and explicitly monogamous, well beyond the casual defaults of what you'd expect from the era, and he's ... I mean, Kirk spends almost the entire show fully aware that Spock is ashamed of his feelings for him, and after the first shock, is incredibly tolerant and unconcerned about Spock dealing with this angst via repression and blatant lies. But Kirk's easy, patient assurance around this dries up the instant he gets the slightest glimmer of a suspicion that someone or something else could conceivably dislodge his position at the center of Spock's world. He seethes with extremely visible jealousy and hostility whenever that happens and swings to the opposite extreme of getting unhappy and insecure. And Spock's jealousy is even more incredibly conspicuous and persistent throughout most of the series, especially in episodes like "The City on the Edge of Forever." By S3, Spock has hit such an intensity of envy that when Bones is like "you just couldn't understand love triangles, or love at all, all the desperate things it drives people to do, the ecstasies and agonies... anyway g'night" Spock immediately responds by mind-melding with the unconscious Kirk to remove his latest love interest from his memory after bleeding jealousy of her the whole episode. Kirk and Spock are many things, but healthily poly people free from jealousy and insecurity is certainly not among them!)
matsushima: you'll simply need to keep evolving (let me see)
[personal profile] matsushima posting in [community profile] agonyaunt
I’ve been working at a university library for a little over a year now and have had a hard time making friends. Shortly after I started, I befriended a coworker, “Morgan,” who is also relatively new, and it has been nice getting to know them and commiserating about how hard it is to make friends in a new city and workplace.

Over the course of our friendship, Morgan has opened up more and more about the interpersonal problems they’ve had with our colleagues. They describe scenarios where collaborative projects get stalled because other stakeholders stop communicating with them, coworkers they were getting lunch with on a weekly basis suddenly stop responding to chats, and other frustrations with navigating bureaucracy that interferes with their work. It’s hard to tell if Morgan is becoming increasingly disgruntled or if they are now very comfortable with telling me their unfiltered feelings.

I’ve also had to navigate some fairly horrendous problems as a new employee, so it’s been nice to have a coworker who understands and sympathizes with our (somewhat) dysfunctional workplace culture. Morgan has made it very clear to me that they are only here for the time being and have already decided that this is not the city they would like to stay in long-term. Personally, I want to retire here and have worked very hard to improve my situation. It feels very different for me today than it did a year ago, which is why it’s become increasingly difficult to navigate Morgan’s constant negativity.

Morgan can be a lot of fun to talk to, but they’re in an increasingly bad mental space at work. They frequently come to my office to gripe for an hour or two in spite of how busy I am; I’m always actively working and trying to concentrate when they pop into my office. To my fault, they ask if it’s a good time to chat and I always say yes because they’ve been so hurt by our coworkers pulling away and I’m afraid of upsetting them. On top of this, they’ve become increasingly argumentative with me when they’re looking to talk. Again, I would say this is my fault because they are looking to vent and I’m always trying to provide solutions, so I think it’s taken as invalidating Morgan’s feelings.

Morgan is in such a bad mental space at work that seemingly any type of feedback or dialogue that they disagree with comes off as an attack. One of the issues they’ve had with multiple colleagues is that they invalidate Morgan’s feelings. Morgan has described situations where they complained about something to a colleague and rather than agreeing with and consoling Morgan, they essentially said to look on the bright side. For example, Morgan was upset about a change made to their office and the coworker responded with, “At least you have your own office.” Morgan has many examples of conversations like this and cites it as a workplace culture issue. In addition, Morgan holds on to comments like this (that took place months and months ago) and often refers back to them as examples of how bad things are. At this point, I am very afraid of upsetting Morgan because I like them, and their hyper-sensitivity is a bit triggering in light of all the reparative work I’ve done for my position and unit.

One more detail about Morgan that I think plays a factor is their odor. Morgan has a strong mildewy smell wherever they go. The odor fills a room and I can often tell if they’ve recently been in a space because of the smell. I believe Morgan maintains good hygiene practices, but that they are unaware of the fact that a lot of their clothing has developed a pungent mildew odor. Depending on how strongly they smell, it can be very difficult to spend extended periods of time with them. I’ve avoided spending time with them outside of work, like inviting them to my home, because the smell is so off-putting and am wondering if it has contributed to their interactions with coworkers.

How do I take a step back with Morgan without further inciting them?


Alison's answer )

- how do I step back from a friendship with an intensely negative and argumentative coworker?

(no subject)

Jul. 8th, 2025 06:01 am
conuly: (Default)
[personal profile] conuly posting in [community profile] agonyaunt
Dear Good Job,

I work as a speech therapist. At a family gathering, I noticed my cousin’s near 4-year-old could only say a few words and beg and point for items they wanted. They could only say “juice” or “Pad” and would cry if any other relative tried to engage them in conversation. I asked my aunt if this was normal behavior for the child, and she said yes but that she wasn’t concerned. At nearly 4, a child should be using full sentences of at least three or more words. It is a missed milestone and early intervention is key.

I checked the local school district, and they offer free screenings and testing that my cousin’s child would qualify for. I went to my aunt and suggested that, in my professional opinion, her grandchild might benefit from speech therapy or at least testing to make sure it wasn’t some other underlying problem. It was completely free and I sent her the info. I didn’t go directly to my cousin because I know some parents can be thin-skinned and defensive when it comes to advice from licensed professionals. I had parents rage at teachers for suggesting their kids need glasses because they can’t see the board.

Well, for my troubles, my cousin sent me an awful and barely coherent text telling me I was a busybody; because I don’t have kids, my opinion is worthless; and she is a mother, so she knows all, and especially what is best for her child, who is perfect. I left it alone after that. The problem is that two years later, the child started kindergarten and was diagnosed with a severe speech impediment, and the rationed therapy the school gives hasn’t really helped. My cousin had to enroll her child with a private therapist that her insurance doesn’t cover and it is pretty pricey. I know all this through the grapevine.

Then, at a family event, my aunt and cousin went off on my poor mother about how awful and selfish I am for not volunteering and helping in their hour of need. I never told anyone about the text since I didn’t want drama, but I kept it. Frankly, I am furious. I tried to help, and I thought I was respectful enough by just going to my aunt with the free resources that were available to my cousin. I didn’t press, preach, or accuse. But now, at this late date, they think publicly blaming me and dragging my poor mother into it will work? I am ready to go to war and I have the receipts, should I?

—Not Holding My Tongue


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conuly: (Default)
[personal profile] conuly
Just went through the website and applied to everything I meet the minimum qualifications for, for what good it may do.

They could, in theory, save my information from one application to the next. They don't do that. They could also not require me to answer "where did you hear about this?" every time - but the joke's on them. "I went to your website and clicked on every job where I meet the minimum qualifications" is not an option, so I've just been lying and saying "hiring event" because that's the first choice. They will get no useful data from me, no thank you!

********************************


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conuly: (Default)
[personal profile] conuly
is the constant whiplash between panic and popcorn.

Right now I'm hovering over "popcorn" - new political parties? With added drama and infighting? LOL, okay, let's see how that works out for you!

(Look, I need a break from panic now and again, and I will take my fun where it appears.)

******************


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fox: my left eye.  "ceci n'est pas une fox." (Default)
[personal profile] fox posting in [community profile] agonyaunt

Dear Eric: I am very much enjoying the second time around following a long and less than joyful first marriage. My problem is plans for burial.

All of our children are terribly against our marriage even though both of our spouses were deceased at the time we met. Our children have virtually no relationship with us now and if there is any contact it is ugly.

I have a cemetery plot out of state with my deceased wife. My wife has a local plot with her deceased husband. I would like to get a new plot for the two of us but expect that any such request would receive pushback and be ignored.

My wife’s mother is buried with her second husband using her last name at the time of her death and her father is buried with a subsequent wife so there is precedent for what I want but I know her daughter would require that her mother be buried next to her father.

How do I get what I want?

I have not discussed any of this with my wife. If I did and she brought it up with her daughter the reaction would be for the daughter to express her displeasure by keeping the grandchildren from my wife. She has done that for less. If I am to get a plot, I should do that sooner rather than later as they are in short supply.

While living I would feel great joy if I could know that I could count on being buried beside my wife for all of eternity. Am I being silly to not just take the easy route?

— Burial Conflict

Plans: You have every right to make a burial plan that suits your life and your love. And — this might be controversial — you don’t have to tell your kids. If you have virtually no relationship as it is, you certainly don’t need to bend to their wishes. It seems there’s no pleasing them, anyway.

In general, it’s better to communicate about final wishes and plans for one’s end-of-life in advance. This helps intentions to be understood and gets questions answered while you’re still around to answer them. But the conflict that’s roiling your family complicates things.

Without knowing more about the circumstances of your marriage, I can’t say your kids are completely wrong, but the punishment you mentioned is more than concerning.

Perhaps they’re struggling with acceptance because of unprocessed grief, perhaps there’s something else going on that I’m not privy, too. Either way, the stated conditions dictate that the burial conversation should happen only between you and your wife right now. Once you’re both on the same page, you’ll know what the next step is. That might mean purchasing a joint plot that makes you happy and appointing someone other than one of your kids as executor. (That last part is probably wise regardless.)

There would still be a lot of complications, of course. Namely, one of you will predecease the other and at that point, presumably, the kids would find out the plan. So, while you are working on doing what brings you joy, I’d also encourage you to get down to the root of what’s going on with your kids.

Tumblr crosspost (4 February 2025)

Jul. 5th, 2025 07:05 pm
anghraine: kirk stands behind an elderly man turned away from him; kirk's manner is severe and almost menacing while the old man (kodos the executioner) looks thoughtful (kirk and kodos)
[personal profile] anghraine
Okay, so this is the Tarsus IV post I vaguely threatened alluded to here. I wrote most of it before I wrote the post grumbling about movie Kirk, btw, so it’s not a result of that one. I was already thinking about what we know about Kirk and the Tarsus IV massacre from TOS, and what speculations and headcanons make the most sense to me in the context of TOS. I just waited until today to post it because I wasn’t quite done earlier.

Anyway, I was going over the finer details of “The Conscience of the King” to figure this out, and ended up with a ton of thoughts about the Tarsus IV backstory. So here are my (many) personal takeaways:

Firstly, there’s a vague reference to some kind of local coup or uprising that put Governor Kodos in power, I think shortly before the food supply crisis. We don’t get any details about the uprising from TOS, though the next to last version of the episode’s script did mention Kodos setting himself up as a messianic figure once the coup succeeded, and Barry Trivers' original, more expansive backstory does explain pretty much all the vague details in the aired episode [ETA 7/5/2025: I wrote a post later about that backstory, which is entirely consistent with TOS and makes so much more sense to me than the various official explanations of these details that I choose to adopt it pretty wholeheartedly, but I hadn't dug through it all when I wrote this post in February]. In any case, Kodos's power grab was certainly reinforced by the starvation crisis, as revealed by Spock’s research:

“there were over eight thousand colonists and virtually no food. And that was when Governor Kodos seized full power and declared emergency martial law.”

As far as we know in TOS, the crisis was set off by chance: an exotic fungus happened to destroy most of the colony’s food supply, and it wasn’t clear when relief would arrive. In fact, the Federation did send relief to the colony, per their usual practice, but it took them long enough to get there that the situation had become dire by then. Nearly all food was gone, and the colonists were starving. The episode implies that some had even started committing suicide. Nevertheless, the Federation relief force arrived sooner than expected.

Kodos tries to argue in “The Conscience of the King” that the Federation’s relief showing up so soon was just luck, and he couldn’t have guessed it would happen. But given what we know about the Federation as an institution, and given the urgent pressure the Federation puts on the Enterprise crew in multiple episodes to get food/supplies/medicine to some colony or another, it seems like there is a pretty competent, long-established Federation infrastructure for addressing crises like this. I think it's important to remember that for all of his mournful gravitas, Kodos as a character is defined by his refusal to accept accountability for the atrocities he orchestrated, especially accountability to his surviving victims; he offers a lot of excuses while maneuvering around even admitting he is Kodos, and we are given no reason to accept these. Rather, every indication is that in reality, Kodos used the circumstances to justify something he already believed in and wanted to try implementing.

That thing was eugenics. This isn’t ambiguous; the aired episode explicitly describes his atrocities as based on eugenics. The starvation of the colony gave Kodos the opportunity to put his theories into action.

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Oh, I like this word!

Jul. 8th, 2025 07:54 am
conuly: (Default)
[personal profile] conuly
Eirenicon: A proposal to resolve disputes and reconcile differences in order to advance peace, strengthen or establish unity, or foster solidarity.

************************


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